I'm here

I know most of you who read this blog already know that my dad passed away last month. Things have been difficult beyond words. I know you can never prepare to lose a parent but losing one when you are so young just seems mean. The millions of questions you wished you would have asked him pop up everyday. I'm not sure if writing all this will make me feel better or not but hopefully it will be therapeutic.

My dad was put back in the hospital May 30th. He was directly moved to the cardiac ICU. The regular ICU was full. Looking back I'm so thankful this happened. I know the regular ICU has stricter visitation. In the Cardiac IUC we could go back as much as we wanted and stay as long as we wanted. So on the 31st I hurried down to Indy. My dad's platelet count had started to fall rapidly and they also said he had Histoplasmosis. I stayed overnight at Kim and Stephen's (God, bless them both...I hope they know they are getting the biggest baby present from me and my mom!) I spend time with him on Friday and then headed back to Chicago for the weekend to work. On Sunday his oxygen levels were a little low so they placed a mask and things got better. On Monday I decided to head back down. I had a horrible feeling about this situation which I talked to my wonderful roomie, Becky about before I left. On my way to Indy my mom called to tell me that Billy had gotten worst and they had to place him on the ventilator and would be doing surgery later. Well even though I promised everyone that I would be very careful in my continued drive to Indy my car did seem to go a little bit faster but who can blame the car for wanting to get me there ASAP!

I arrived in Indy where several people had come to sit with my mom until I got there. Finally the surgeons came out and talked to mom and I. Basically they said things were bad and there wasn't much they could do for him but wait and see. So our wait started. We waited for two weeks. Everyday being told things were "hour to hour, life and death" So some nights we stayed at Kim and Stephen's and some nights we slept in the waiting room. It was the longest two weeks of my life.

On Thursday, June 14 one of the doctors came and and said things looked a tiny bit better and he thought he saw "a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel" We were so happy to hear that. He said as long as we don't get any new infections and his organs keep holding on, he will make it. That night everything changed. Bill's heart rate went sky high, his blood pressure shot up, his temperature climbed....it was so scary. They got him more stable. But Friday morning the doctors told us Bill had a new infection. They thought it could be from all his IV lines. Especially his pic line. So they removed them all and put new ones in. We found out on Sunday that the infection was not from any IV lines...so we had a new infection.

Sunday, of course, was Father's Day. I went to lunch with my good friend Mike. I got a call from mom to get to the hospital ASAP. And we did. My dad's blood pressure had dropped and he was throwing up into his tubes. Things were bad. Mom was a mess. I somehow held it together and kept mom going. I knew in that instant I was going to lose my dad. I only prayed that it wouldn't be on Father's Day.

Monday the 18th, a day I will never forget, came. We all knew things were not going well. Some of Bill's organs had started to shut down. He wasn't producing very much urine and the medication they had been giving him to shed off some of the fluids he had accumulated couldn't be given anymore because of the low blood pressure. He had put on about 80 lbs in fluid weight. So we talked to the surgeons and decided to do surgery to see if they could find where this new infection was coming from. All the doctors gave the OK and we signed the release knowing that he might not survive the surgery. They started to prepare him for surgery. They pumped him full over everything they had and took him to surgery around 5:30p.m.

So we waiting and prayed. Yes, I prayed. Even though I don't believe, I couldn't take the chance that I've been wrong and prayer could have helped...so i prayed. Finally, the surgeons came out and talked to us. He was alive but surgery was far from a success. They really couldn't find anything to fix. They couldn't do much because he was starting to bleed too much. So they cleaned out all the infection they could and closed him up. He was then being moved to the regular ICU. So we moved all our stuff to the new waiting room.

Several of our friends had been there with us. They stayed a little longer and then a few of them left. There were two still with us when we heard them say over the PA "Code Blue ICU Team 5" We all looked at each other...I started to panic "was Bill in team 5??? what team was he on? how could I not know what team he was on? why didn't I ask? is this it???" Someone said in our group that Bill was on team 4 not team 5. ahh relief...but only for a moment. The pet therapy lady that had been with us on and off for the past two weeks came and and told us that Billy was on team 5 and she would go find out if they were talking about him. So we prayed. After a few minutes she came back in with the staff reverend (never a good sign when they show up, this I've learned) It was Billy. He had coded and they were working on him. Right then my world started to spin. Even though I knew things were bad and I really didn't think he was going to get better I really just never thought it would really happen. We prayed some more and then Dr. Lackey came in. She was a staff doctor who had been our cheerleader during all of this. She always had looked on the bright side. When Dr. Lackey came in I knew for sure this was it. Her face said it all. She came and talked to us. Then she asked if we wanted to go back. She said sometimes it helps to see that the doctors are doing all they can for him.

So mom decided that she wanted to go back. So she and I went with a nurse, Dr. Lackey, and the reverend. Before we got there I made everyone aware that my mom had a leaky valve in her heart and to watch her. We then went into his room. It was full of about 20 doctors and nurses. We could barely see him. But we could see the nurse that was on top of the bed giving Billy CPR. My mom then hollar out "Oh, Billy" Then Dr. Lackey turned to my mom and said "you need to tell them to stop if you want them to" My mom said "I don't know what to do, what would you do?" Dr Lackey said "I would tell them to stop" Mom said "ok" The next thing that was said was by some doctor who said "asystoly. Time of death 10:45" And it was over.

Poor Dr Lackey was a mess and went into a back room I'm guess to compose herself. All the doctors went by saying how sorry they were. When Dr Lackey came back out I went straight towards her and told her how thankful we were for everything she had done for us. Then the surgeons who had done the surgery came and you could tell they were so disappointed that he didn't make it.

We then headed back to Logansport and started making plans for the funeral the next day.

Well I think that is all I can write today. I hope I didn't make you all feel horrible. I think I needed to get that out. I'm going to go cry for a bit and let some pain out. I promise my next posting will be much happier! (Especially since I have a big date tomorrow night!)

Hope you are well!