Men...

...what the hell. I just don't understand them. The dentist and I have gone out a few times. I'm assuming he's just not that into me because he hasn't tried to kiss me. But he wants to walk me home, buy me drinks, oh yeah and let's not forget burn kids movies for his office! Does he like me??? We met on match.com so you would think that if he's still talking to me, he's interested. He also told the waiter at dinner that we were dating. Aside from the fact that he hasn't made a move yet we go weeks in between times we see each other. At least now we do talk on the phone regularly. I'm so confused and slightly pissed off but that's probably because I haven't gotten any for awhile. I want to just ask him if he interested but usually that makes them run the other way.... ugh

The things I do for others....

PATHETIC!! My ass is up at 2:42 a.m. all dressed and ready to go to meet my friend Michael for a drink. He started texting me an hour ago and I got up and got ready. He stopped texting me about the same time I finished getting ready. I don't know where he is...he doesn't know where he is either. And now I'm up and awake and all dressed with no place to go. The sad part is that I'm still waiting for a text...knowing that as soon as I wipe the make up off and put the PJs back on he's going to text me and me being the nice girl will get up again and get ready!!! Pathetic I know. If I got to see Michael more maybe I wouldn't be so pathetic...no, I probably would still be.

UGHHH!!! Ok I'm going to bed...

Back Stabbers

We all know people that we can't trust. We all know those people in our lives that if we say something to them they will not only tell everyone else but they twist things around to make you look as bad as possible. Unfortunately sometimes we have to work with these people. I work with one. I've known for awhile that this person can't be trusted but I found out today that she had done a review of my job at work. My practice manager read me some of the things that she had written about me...I could tell she was skipping over the worst parts which has me concerned. Especially since this review goes to corporate and they decide our raises for the year. Now I know that I'm not the greatest employee in the world but some of the things that she said was just plain cruel. I don't expect people to think that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and I'm even sure there are some people that think I'm a bitch but a "horrible employee"...well, I'm just not.

I do all the things asked of me, go above and beyond my job description, I have clients that love me, I've even brought work home with me.... Hey Back stabber, IT'S ON, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!!!

Ex's

I've started to wonder if life is just a series of ex's. Not just ex lovers or ex boyfriends or ex husbands but ex friends as well. Most of us can remember are first best friend. Those fun times we had in elementary school when we would have sleepovers. I actually had a boy as one of my best friends and we could never figure out why our parents wouldn't let us have sleepover.

Some friends stay in your life and some don't. People change as they grow up or just plain grow. I've been thinking more about friendship the past couple of weeks after I found out that Pete was engaged. I thought we were fairly close friends. In fact, we had just discussed our friendship and how much it met to me that he was there when my dad died. Then he gets engaged and he doesn't even call to tell me. I found out from someone else and I even called and left a message to tell him that I knew and still nothing. Of course last Friday night I got shit faced and called and left a not-so-nice message on his voice mail and I'll probably never speak to him again. I guess the "Pete" chapter in my life is over... even though I didn't get a say.

I had really thought that no matter what Pete would always be a part of my life in some way. I knew we would never get back together. I didn't want to marry him. We don't work. But I never thought he would stop returning my calls or stop caring about me. He had to know me finding out that he got engaged after six months would be hard for me but to assume that I would just read on facebook he was engaged...damn, that's harsh.

So I guess even after we grow up and become the person that we will be, friends are still able to be loss. But I look at the quality of friends I have right now...they are fabulous! I have some of the best friends in the entire world. I've had the year from hell and they have been there for me every step of the way. I just want you all to know, I love you!

Men currently in my life

So here's the latest:

Gene: Apparently he's mad at me. Why? I don't know. Do I ever know what he's thinking?!?! So maybe we're done or maybe he's just PMSing. Possibility of marriage: none

Michael: I still see him occasionally. He only comes in town every month or so. We do the dinner thing and then he flies out the next day. Possibility of marriage: very unlikely, seeing each other once a month does not make a relationship.

Ian (the dentist): We are suppose to "hang out" sometime this week. Whether this happens or not...I'm going to go with not. We "hang out" about once a month and nothing happens. I'm not sure if he's even interested or just hoping I can find him new clients. Possibility of marriage: Can't say....don't really know him

Trey: Yes, Trey is back in the picture. We've hung out the past couple of weekends but we all know his history so the likelihood of him freaking out and sending me a text ending things...very likely. Possibility of marriage: maybe....in the year 2050

Joe: (He will be a one time posting) Went on a date with him Saturday. Dinner and movie date. He's a handy man that tans. Yes, you read that right. Enough said. Possibility of marriage: zero Possibility of a second date: zero

Update!

I know I haven't been the best at posting but I'm going to start to post everyday in hopes of maybe starting to write a book. Yes, I know how very uncool and self important of me. But I've been told so many times by so many people that I should write a book about my life so I'm going to try this first and see what happens. Considering most of you know me these may not be the "newest" news to you. :)

Update....shocking I know!!

Wow I can't believe I'm actually posting a blog. It's been so long since the last time I posted anything. I guess life has been so hard lately that I don't feel like rehashing it and depressing everyone else.
School has started so I'm working full time and going to school. It's been a little crazy but over all it's been going ok.
I've been dating the same guy for awhile, we aren't anything official but I'm ok with that. He treats me great and neither of us are dating other people. He's from the Ukraine so there has been some difficulty in my understanding him...even though he's been here since he was 12!
Work has been work. Some days are good and some days are bad. But I think you have that with any job you have. I just keep telling myself that this isn't my career it's a job that pays the bills and gives me insurance.
So my best friend is pregnant and is due in January. I'm a little sad by the fact that I haven't seen her for several months...I hope that I will be able to get together with her more often after the baby is here. I've already bought clothes and I believe I'm buying the big gift online tonight. I'm soooo very excited.
Well that's all for now...since I'm at work and should be "working" I'm going to try to keep this updated more frequently....

I'm here

I know most of you who read this blog already know that my dad passed away last month. Things have been difficult beyond words. I know you can never prepare to lose a parent but losing one when you are so young just seems mean. The millions of questions you wished you would have asked him pop up everyday. I'm not sure if writing all this will make me feel better or not but hopefully it will be therapeutic.

My dad was put back in the hospital May 30th. He was directly moved to the cardiac ICU. The regular ICU was full. Looking back I'm so thankful this happened. I know the regular ICU has stricter visitation. In the Cardiac IUC we could go back as much as we wanted and stay as long as we wanted. So on the 31st I hurried down to Indy. My dad's platelet count had started to fall rapidly and they also said he had Histoplasmosis. I stayed overnight at Kim and Stephen's (God, bless them both...I hope they know they are getting the biggest baby present from me and my mom!) I spend time with him on Friday and then headed back to Chicago for the weekend to work. On Sunday his oxygen levels were a little low so they placed a mask and things got better. On Monday I decided to head back down. I had a horrible feeling about this situation which I talked to my wonderful roomie, Becky about before I left. On my way to Indy my mom called to tell me that Billy had gotten worst and they had to place him on the ventilator and would be doing surgery later. Well even though I promised everyone that I would be very careful in my continued drive to Indy my car did seem to go a little bit faster but who can blame the car for wanting to get me there ASAP!

I arrived in Indy where several people had come to sit with my mom until I got there. Finally the surgeons came out and talked to mom and I. Basically they said things were bad and there wasn't much they could do for him but wait and see. So our wait started. We waited for two weeks. Everyday being told things were "hour to hour, life and death" So some nights we stayed at Kim and Stephen's and some nights we slept in the waiting room. It was the longest two weeks of my life.

On Thursday, June 14 one of the doctors came and and said things looked a tiny bit better and he thought he saw "a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel" We were so happy to hear that. He said as long as we don't get any new infections and his organs keep holding on, he will make it. That night everything changed. Bill's heart rate went sky high, his blood pressure shot up, his temperature climbed....it was so scary. They got him more stable. But Friday morning the doctors told us Bill had a new infection. They thought it could be from all his IV lines. Especially his pic line. So they removed them all and put new ones in. We found out on Sunday that the infection was not from any IV lines...so we had a new infection.

Sunday, of course, was Father's Day. I went to lunch with my good friend Mike. I got a call from mom to get to the hospital ASAP. And we did. My dad's blood pressure had dropped and he was throwing up into his tubes. Things were bad. Mom was a mess. I somehow held it together and kept mom going. I knew in that instant I was going to lose my dad. I only prayed that it wouldn't be on Father's Day.

Monday the 18th, a day I will never forget, came. We all knew things were not going well. Some of Bill's organs had started to shut down. He wasn't producing very much urine and the medication they had been giving him to shed off some of the fluids he had accumulated couldn't be given anymore because of the low blood pressure. He had put on about 80 lbs in fluid weight. So we talked to the surgeons and decided to do surgery to see if they could find where this new infection was coming from. All the doctors gave the OK and we signed the release knowing that he might not survive the surgery. They started to prepare him for surgery. They pumped him full over everything they had and took him to surgery around 5:30p.m.

So we waiting and prayed. Yes, I prayed. Even though I don't believe, I couldn't take the chance that I've been wrong and prayer could have helped...so i prayed. Finally, the surgeons came out and talked to us. He was alive but surgery was far from a success. They really couldn't find anything to fix. They couldn't do much because he was starting to bleed too much. So they cleaned out all the infection they could and closed him up. He was then being moved to the regular ICU. So we moved all our stuff to the new waiting room.

Several of our friends had been there with us. They stayed a little longer and then a few of them left. There were two still with us when we heard them say over the PA "Code Blue ICU Team 5" We all looked at each other...I started to panic "was Bill in team 5??? what team was he on? how could I not know what team he was on? why didn't I ask? is this it???" Someone said in our group that Bill was on team 4 not team 5. ahh relief...but only for a moment. The pet therapy lady that had been with us on and off for the past two weeks came and and told us that Billy was on team 5 and she would go find out if they were talking about him. So we prayed. After a few minutes she came back in with the staff reverend (never a good sign when they show up, this I've learned) It was Billy. He had coded and they were working on him. Right then my world started to spin. Even though I knew things were bad and I really didn't think he was going to get better I really just never thought it would really happen. We prayed some more and then Dr. Lackey came in. She was a staff doctor who had been our cheerleader during all of this. She always had looked on the bright side. When Dr. Lackey came in I knew for sure this was it. Her face said it all. She came and talked to us. Then she asked if we wanted to go back. She said sometimes it helps to see that the doctors are doing all they can for him.

So mom decided that she wanted to go back. So she and I went with a nurse, Dr. Lackey, and the reverend. Before we got there I made everyone aware that my mom had a leaky valve in her heart and to watch her. We then went into his room. It was full of about 20 doctors and nurses. We could barely see him. But we could see the nurse that was on top of the bed giving Billy CPR. My mom then hollar out "Oh, Billy" Then Dr. Lackey turned to my mom and said "you need to tell them to stop if you want them to" My mom said "I don't know what to do, what would you do?" Dr Lackey said "I would tell them to stop" Mom said "ok" The next thing that was said was by some doctor who said "asystoly. Time of death 10:45" And it was over.

Poor Dr Lackey was a mess and went into a back room I'm guess to compose herself. All the doctors went by saying how sorry they were. When Dr Lackey came back out I went straight towards her and told her how thankful we were for everything she had done for us. Then the surgeons who had done the surgery came and you could tell they were so disappointed that he didn't make it.

We then headed back to Logansport and started making plans for the funeral the next day.

Well I think that is all I can write today. I hope I didn't make you all feel horrible. I think I needed to get that out. I'm going to go cry for a bit and let some pain out. I promise my next posting will be much happier! (Especially since I have a big date tomorrow night!)

Hope you are well!